Week off

I am tired of constantly thinking about food. I am not going to journal this week. I am not going to count points. I am going to blog about what I do not what I eat.

Today, I am going to the Y and spend a lot of time in the water (in my new swimsuit). Then I'm going to the library. I don't know what else I am going to do since the weather is so crumby. I intend to have a nice week. On Sunday, I get Loki for four days so it should be interesting.

Looking for the key

Yeah, yeah. It's a little late for a morning blog. Whatever.

Yesterday was not terrific. I was appalled at how much I thought about food. I was over points by a lot. I have to get a life! The good news is that aquasize felt good. This morning my butt was really tired but it was a good feeling. I liked the sets of exercises the teacher had us doing. They worked for me. I won't be able to go to class on Sunday so I hope that the roads are clear enough on Saturday that I can go and work out independently.

One thing I have noticed is that when I eat fatty foods, like cheese or low fat sour cream, I have a high level of satisfaction--more than the satisfaction from sweets. This morning, in addition to my oatmeal, I had a whole wheat English muffin with peanut butter. It was high points (2 for the muffin, 5 for the peanut butter) but it did last me until lunch. But then, I ate breakfast late...so maybe it wasn't so effective. But then, I have had a good energy level today in contrast to the grumps I have had the past couple of days and I don't feel the need for the 4 o'clock snack. I need more information, more experience.

The other good news: I bought a new swimming suit today 2 sizes smaller than the one I was using! Tomorrow is weigh day. I think I'll have shrimp for supper. It is 3:30 and I only have 9 points for the rest of the day.

New Routine

I am going to switch to a morning blog/check-in. I am much more thought-full in the morning and I can accurately report on the previous day. Even though I may be walking into walls, I am a morning person, at least as far as mental processes go.

Maybe that partly explains why evenings are so bad, food-control-wise. I lose all motivation around 4 o'clock. "Why do I have to do this? Why does it matter? I want to eat what a I crave, not what is planned or wholesome." If I could figure out and tame that mechanism, I could make a fortune.

To approach the problem scientifically, I should start with observation. (I should start with a valid sample size, but just me will have to do). So today, I will journal all my impulses. Do not worry, dear diary, I will spare you the details. That is what Word is for.

[Pause to let a barking Bingo out--maybe this is why I haven't blogged in the morning before. Morning drama.]

I just kinda lost it yesterday. Not totally. I ate thoughtfully but not nutritiously. I knew what I was doing; I just did it anyway. I had been craving candy corn, so I got some and ate it. Ostensibly, I had stopped at the store for vacuum cleaner bags and fresh spinach. At first I journaled everything I ate but then I just let it go. Food circles started: the candy corn was too sweet--I needed a bagel and cheese to clear my palate. That could have gone on indefinitely with bagel-mouth craving something else but I didn't do that. A minor victory. I was tired so I went to bed instead of eating more (at 8:15), another minor victory. I noted the fact that I was really inactive and kinda achy. All pieces of the puzzle.

Today is another day. Finnegan, begin again. We are deep in the budget preparation/annual report time of year at St. Mark's, definitely a stressful period, and I need to go work on numbers some more. Aquasize tonight and then the vestry meeting.

[Pause to deal with barking Loki. Coffee is finished. Start the day.]

True confessions

True confessions time. Just because I am on points when I blog, doesn't mean that I stay on them for the day. Bedtime is a tough time and I have gone over points a couple of times this week. But I write it all down and trudge on.

Tonight I had my first aquasize class. I did pretty well at not feeling that I had to keep up. I worked hard not to overdo it. Tomorrow will tell. I figure that at least I was moving constantly for 55 minutes. That is a good thing.

And I am on points for today. I could swap out 2 activity points but I 'd rather not. I'll note tomorrow how I did today.

My deep thought for today is:
One can only stay in a state of heightened alertness for so long before you lose your edge. After that, training, discipline and habit take over. I am at that stage now. This is a kind of a re-framing of the “I don’t want to do this any more” mood. The thrill is gone; now it is work.

So what have I got? I have my habit of the same breakfast and lunch to fall back on. That is a good thing. I don’t rely on mood or whim to determine what I am going to eat. If I want variety, I can vary what fruits I put in my oatmeal and whether I have turkey or beef for lunch and what veggies to use. For dinner, I am presently out of any pre-prepared entrée (except for Lean Cuisine dinners) so I need to make a menu for the week. I want to use stuff I have on hand; my larder is full.

Other things I have in line: I have registered for Deep Water aerobics on Tuesday and Thursday nights and Sunday mornings. To round out my exercise plan, I need to do weight training on Mondays, Wednesdays and Friday and I have entered it in my PDA. These are good things. And classes at Forest Park start soon so I will have activities so that my whole life is not centered around what I eat (and what kind of life is that?).

Check in

On points. No exercise to speak of.

Just a check-in

On points. Probably only got about 15 minutes of exercise--balance ball and weights. No deep thoughts. Tomorrow is the last day of three that I have Loki so I am going to bed early.

Anthropomorphizing demons

I liked the characterization of her personal demons of loneliness and depression as thugs who beat up on her in Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love. This was brought to mind when I read Sarah Ferguson's interview in the latest Weight Watchers Magazine. The Duchess talks about ". . . 'the fat lady'--that little voice in your brain that constantly criticizes you body . . ." She says that "Over the years I've learned to talk to [her] and her committee."

So it was particularly amusing to get an e-mail from Karen about her battles at school:

People are now bringing in not just their leftover holiday
cookies, but their chocolates,the chocolate covered nuts,
goo-goo clusters, peanut brittle. The horrid thing about
them is they can all talk. AND they ALL know my name.
Pestery little buggers. So I ate them to shut them up!

Bug spray! Make some bug spray, Karen! What a hoot! Put a label on a can of air freshener and spray the room. Or put a lid over them to suffocate them. I know you will think of a creative solution.

My own demons are the grumps. They put lead in my shoes so I can't get up and get moving. They whisper in my ear:
"You don't look so good. Are you feeling all right? You should rest. That little twinge you felt--its probably serious. You shouldn't move. I'll go get a heat pack. You're retired! You don't have to do anything. Go get that book and kick back in the recliner. You've earned it!"
Their friends are lethargy and inertia. They are like the petty, diminutive Lilliputians tying down Gulliver. I wish I could draw. What great cartoons these would make.

The Duchess' remedy was positive self-talk.

OK, grumps, I appreciate your concern but I think that getting up and moving will make me feel better. Yes, I am retired so I can spend all my time taking care of myself by eating right and exercising and doing things I like including, but not limited to, kicking back in the recliner and reading.

The check-in part: I got to the Y today and felt so-o-o much better after 20 minutes of water aerobics and 15 minutes in the spa. I was really hungry when I got home and foraged. Here's where having a friendly house helps. What I found was sugar free, fat free pudding. I cooked it and ate it all. I still have enough points for dinner but if I get hungry afterwards, I may have to dip into my bonus points. Today was weigh-in day. I am back down to pre-Christmas weight. I hope to lose a pound or two before WW at work starts again January 23. I have a goal to get to the 10% loss by the end of January (based on my WW at work starting weight--I already have lost 10% of my weight since July 1). It will take some work to get there. I need to stay focused.

I think it is time to distract myself by cleaning another cabinet.

5 points left that I don't think I'll use. My IBS acted up today so I pretty much took it easy and stayed home. I have no clue what set it off. No great philosophic insights today.

Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart

I had one of those "well, duh!" moments this morning when I finally put it together why it is harder to lose weight when you are older. The reason it is because of the loss of muscle mass which starts at age 30. And since muscle mass is what is responsible for a revved up metabolism, less muscle mass = slower weight loss.

The reason it is so hard to work out when you are old is because everything hurts (at least it seems like it to me). Some parts of you are just worn out. Some debility in aging is inevitable but the degree and rate is something you can do something about. I never understood that when I was younger. And now its too late. Like it is too late to go to bed early. That is probably why men can lose weight so easily, too. So, its harder to lose weight but not impossible. Now when those sweet young things in my WW class can lose 3 lbs. a week, I won't be so annoyed.

So, if you lose 1% of your muscle mass a year starting at age 30, I guess if you lived to be 130 you would be a bowl of jello. Actually, it makes people like Judy's mom, who is in her 90s all the more amazing. It makes the issue of exercise for me now all the more important. Having said that, I got none in today. The plan tomorrow, is to get to the Y.

I am on points so far and have 2 points left for a couple of those little WW snack cakes. The week is going well. I keep waiting for the "I can't do this any more!" shoe to drop.

Therapeutic Cabinet Cleaning

Well, the good news is that I am on points so far. The bad news is that I have only 2.5 pts. left for the wild hungries tonight. I have gotten in 48 oz. of water, too. I am finding that it is soothing and easier to drink no-caffeine beverages like Suiss Mocha fat free, sugar free instant coffee and herb teas. Its a winter thing, I think.

I got super bored this afternoon and so I cleaned. I cleaned out a cabinet in the kitchen and also my coffee pot (ugh!) and the counter. All were badly in need of cleaning. I have a bag of stuff to give away and my cabinet is well organized but it makes me wonder about the deeper meanings. I typed up an inventory list so that I don't buy things I don't need. Jim was sure I had gone round the bend. I had double Splenda and double containers of prunes. I discovered that I have five types of flour: semolina, brown rice, oat, blue corn meal and all purpose (the wheat flour is in the freezer) as well as 5 kinds of dried fruit and 7 kinds of tea.

Some of the stuff I got rid of was related to the Potatoes Not Prozac diet that I tried for a while. I couldn't do it because I had to eat too much food--very high protein! It also violated principles outlined in the previous blog: I was eating stuff I didn't like.

Some stuff, like all the flours, must be for recipes I had and didn't get around to trying. Some stuff, like the tea and the dried fruit, I have partly because I like them but also because I think I should be drinking tea instead of coffee. I am giving away the green tea that is supposed to be so good for you because I don't like it. I got sick from some green tea in China (must have been a dirty cup) and haven't been able to drink green tea since. But I kept trying. Now I am moving on.

The planning thing is working well. I have a set breakfast and a set lunch. My evening meal alternates between two dishes that I made earlier plus my favorite mixed vegetables. Another thing that works well is that I really don't have much that is not good for me around the house. I have been working on this seriously since July 1 and half-assedly before that. My cupboards are beginning to show it.

I did buy food I shouldn't have over the Christmas holidays but I wound up giving stuff away or throwing it away. I should say throwing half of it away because I did indulge. I have to lose 1.5 lbs. to get back to pre-Christmas weight. I gained more but it is already gone. Some of the eating wasn't worth it. It was me being a little kid saying: You can't make me not eat this!

Unfortunately, I do have some forced dieting in my past. My mom used to give me a bad time and in the convent, I was forced to diet with someone watching me. No wonder I left. So doing this to please myself and because I love myself is important. I work hard on giving myself positive messages, praise and pep-talks.

I got an e-mail from a friend, who shall remain nameless, that had lots of self-hating things in it. She doesn't deserve to be treated that way. She is a lovely and loving person that I respect. Give yourself a hug, girl!

Well, my own personal battle now is should I go water walk? I only did 15 minutes of physical therapy exercises, weights and stretching this morning but I really don't want to go out. I think I'll walk in place for a while and call it a day.

Read the Label

First, the nitty gritty: On points all day. I walked a lot running the errands I had mapped out for myself yesterday, including several sets of stairs, so I skipped the 10 minutes on the treadmill. Did the water stuff. How I love the spa afterwards!

Regarding the post's title: I read the nutrition information for Subway's breads yesterday. I had been getting the Honey Oat bread because I figured I would get more good fiber. Well, there is more fiber in the bread but it is significantly higher in calories than Italian or wheat bread. When I mentioned it to Karen she said she had read the fine print somewhere that indicated that the Italian and wheat were the breads upon which fat calculations were made. So now I will switch back to wheat bread (more fiber than the Italian).

Just for grins, I logged on to the Weight Watchers' site and looked at the recipe of the day: chocolate chip cookies, 2 pts. each. But wait! I can buy the Nestle Toll House prepared cookie dough (the one in little squares) and have those for 2 pts. each. I probably should read the labels further to see about the other nutrients. Maybe the WW cookie is better; it has 1/2 cup of whole grain wheat flour, uses skim milk and has light cream cheese instead of other fats and no preservatives or artificial flavors. Fortunately, I do not have any of the Nestle cookie dough on hand but I'm willing to bet it has a lot more fat and I don't know what kinds of fat. The comfort factor, however, would be greater with the Nestles', maybe. So which would I choose? I don't eat cookies unless it is for indulgence. I doubt that the WW would satisfy me. But I may be being hasty. I should make them and, if I don't care for them, foist them off on other WWs. Sometimes I get the little WW cakes. They aren't gourmet but they are enough sometimes.

Which seques into another issue. Do I eat food I hate or don't much care for because it is lower in fat and/or calories (low fat cheese--shudder)? I think I would rather learn portion control than skimp on ingredients when they are part of the essential flavor of something. I don't mind applesauce instead of oil in my muffins but I would not choose low fat margarines (or whatever it is nutrionally correct to eat this week) over butter.

Well, I need to end this post but not before setting some exercise goals for tomorrow: I will do my physical therapy exercises with the ball and some weight training. If all that doesn't add up to 30 minutes, I will walk the dog to make up the difference. So there!

Starting Over

Isn't that what we all do on New Year's Day? Start over. Finnegan, begin again. So how many calendars are there for various people? How many new year's day are there? Chinese, Jewish, Muslim, Iranian, Aztec. . . You could start over many times in any given 365 day period. Imagine all the possibilities. (Check out CalendarZone, a web site with every calendar imaginable).

Well, like any first day of starting over, I was down right saintly. I still have 2 points for an evening snack.

• I had my regular oatmeal and fruit breakfast supplemented by a Kashi bar (since it took the oatmeal a long time to cook).
  
• I had a 6" Subway sandwich for lunch and
  
• I made some WW beef stroganoff for dinner. I dutifully only ate one serving of the stroganoff and stored the remaining three servings in three little plastic containers for reheating later. I discovered that 1/2 cup of noodles translates to about a handful of dried noodles, a useful thing to know for those of us who cook for one. With the stroganoff I had two servings of mixed vegetable. Oh yes, and
  
• for a snack I had a large banana. Gotta get that potassium.

The exercise bit kinda fell apart since I put off exercise until the evening and went to the Y only to discover that the Y is closed on NYD. Oh well, it is probably a new year tomorrow somewhere!

I had Loki today and that somehow freezes me. I did almost nothing except make the slow-cooker beef stroganoff), play on the computer and watch Monk reruns on TV so I guess I wasn't all that saintly. I watched The Biggest Loser a little but that show is a loser as far as I am concerned. I was/am so-o-o-o bored! So, in the tradition of all good dieters, I shall plan my activities for tomorrow:

• Go to PetsMart (I only have enough food for Bingo's breakfast),
  
• maybe go to Home Depot (need plastic bins for dog and cat food and January is plastic sale month),
  
• register for classes (Geology and Oceanography) and
  
• go see Karen's new computer.
  
• In terms of exercise-type-activities: hit the Y for 10 minutes on the treadmill and 20 minutes of water aerobics.
  

That's about all the excitement I can handle. I have told myself that if I get bored again and can't think of anything I want to do, I'll clean something. That should stir the creativity juices.

It is a good thing that I saved myself yesterday for walking around 1st Night last night because my hips and knees started hurting almost immediately. We saw Swing Deville for the first time and really liked them. They were good and they looked like they were having fun, always a plus. Farshid Etniko had a lousy location. The sound splattered all over the room they were in and the sight lines were terrible. But even so, their music really cheered me up. It reminded me of my resolution to dance. I want to try English Country Dancing. It will be a gentle way to start.

Food-wise, tomorrow is pretty much planned: oatmeal breakfast, Subway lunch, rice and celery khoresh for dinner. Ever onward . . .

The Last Day of the Year

Time for New Year's Resolutions:
I actually started my New Year's resolution July 1, got off track and am re-starting it on January 1. Yes, it is the perennial "lose weight". I have a specific goal of losing 25 lbs. by July 1. To this end, I have my support folks at hand: Weight Watchers at work (I'm retired but like to be in a group where I know people) and my friends Karen and Julie. I had been doing a "check-in" e-mail to Karen and Julie but have decided to give the blog a try.

Being 64 years old and having been overweight since puberty, losing weight is a struggle. I have done it a couple of times which, we are told, is bad for your health, but I want some simple things now:

1. to have less pain (osteoarthritis),
   
2. to be able to fit comfortably in an airline seat (I'm going to Scotland in September),
   
3. to have more energy,
4. get off blood pressure medication,
5. be able to ride my bike more,
6. never, ever to wear stretch knits again!
7. say good-bye to the spare tire,
8. be able to bend over without looking like I am going to die trying,
9. to wear the one-size-fits-all clothes,
10. to face the fears that keep me from succeeding,
11. to dance!

My most immediate challenges are to learn how to pace myself vis-a-vis exercise and to maintain motivation. When I feel good and the sun is shining, I tend to overdo and pay for it in pain for the next week. And motivation fails mostly because I see this as a diet rather than as a change in my eating habits and I long to eat "normally," meaning, how I eat when I am in the weight-gaining mode.

Tonight, Jim and I are going to First Night so that will count as my exercise for the day. I'm going to make meat pies this afternoon and probably give most of them to Ali. I already have a good WW recipe planned for tomorrow's dinner. You, On A Diet suggests keeping one or two meals the same. I have settled on steel-cut oats and dried fruit for my breakfast and have that habit established. I like it and it is good for my cholesterol too! Karen gave me a Subway card, so I am going to do Subway for lunches. We'll see how that goes. Other than that I intend to get up and move every day--what I do will vary.

Update on Chloe

Chloe, aka Little Bits, is doing fine. She is almost fat since she eats at home and then hits the neighborhood kitty buffet. She still likes to go out but, after a few run-ins with Crow, E's cat, we have to keep her in sometimes. E and I have an arrangement: she calls my number and lets it ring 2 times. That is the signal that she is letting Crow out and I have to prevent Chloe from going out or go find her if she is already out.

She (Chloe) and Bingo have developed a curious relationship. She lets Bingo sniff her, usually. I have even seen them stand nose to nose in some kind of silent communion. When she comes in from outside, she always hesitates at the door, scrunches down and looks to see if Bingo is there. Then, depending on how badly she wants in (rain is a big motivator), she will either change her mind and walk away or she will streak in as fast as she can. Bingo, for his part, tries to whomp her with his paw. A strange game of tag. She and Bingo share the single bed in the computer room during the day and compete for the best spot for looking out the window.

Our next door neighbor puppy, Cosmo, wants desperately to be her friend. We're watching to see what happens. She sets her own relationship boundaries.

We think she is responsible for the horrendous odor in the basement. There is a litter box down there but we think that Chloe goes in a corner when she is pissed off with us. I wonder if that is how that colloquialism came about.

With cooler weather coming, it will be interesting to see who sleeps where. I think Chloe sleeps in the basement now. In the winter, she liked to sleep next to the space heater. Puddin' sleeps next to me and skooches over into the warm spot when I get up to get a drink of water or whatever. Bingo sleeps either on the couch or on the floor next to my bed or on the bed in the computer room.

Sometimes when J is over we all sit in the living room together. It is quite charming and comfortable. All my critters like to be around people but not necessarily on people. We have a companionable living relationship and Chloe fits in just fine.

Teaching about the Internet

Tonight my class will cover a variety of features/services available through the Internet. We will talk about blogging, podcasting, chatting, shopping. . . it makes me feel like I have bees in my head. Once you get everything set up do do each of these things, its easy. BUT, the setting up can be multi-layered and confusing. And each function is fraught with dangers! Lurkers! Thieves! Stay tuned . . .

The Flying Mules at Joe's Cafe

I guess I am getting jaded. Or don't drink enough. Joe's Cafe, an art gallery in the City's West End (with live music on Thursday nights) reminded me too much of other venues. Lots of weird "collectible" type stuff crammed into a small space. Too much like Blueberry Hill but with more variety, too much like The City Museum but with more stuff. It was a pleasant enough evening. I was told that there was a bigger crowd and older than usual (Mules fans) therefore it was pretty noisy, unlike the sparsely attended gathering at Schlafly's the week before which was spacious and you could hear the band. So I am a bit selfish wanting a more personal concert. The crowd at Joe's was appreciative; the band seemed to be having a good time. In fact, they had wholeheartedly recommended the place as a neat place to go. "It's great. You'll really like it!" Mike likes it because it reminds him of Soulard in the old days, i.e. early 1970's.

I ran into friends Sam and Glen and caught up on what they were doing in the brief lulls when you could hear another person speak. I took such pictures as I was able, having forgotten to recharge the camera until too late to get a full charge on it. You can view the pictures I was able to save by using Photoshop at http://www.theflyingmules.com/photogallery/index.html
I might go back again if J decides to go and I know who is playing. Maybe I just needed beer instead of w(h)ine to get into the spirit of the place. Or I needed my pied piper of play to goad me into having a good time. It is an art gallery and I didn't explore. It really does deserve a second chance, especially since people I respect recommend it so hightly.
P.S. Joe's doesn't have a liquor license, its an art gallery, so bring your own refreshments.

Chloe

J is the neighborhood critter wrangler. He knows every cat and every dog and their names and to whom they belong. Late in September, he noticed a new cat in the neighborhood. A pretty little orange and white cat with a white diamond on her back and no collar. She was small, still in late kittenhood, we thought. We both started feeding her. J would play with her and she came running whenever he was around. I didn't like the idea of a young unclaimed cat with no shots, not spayed and with no one to look out for her, so I decided to take her to the vet. First, J and I checked to make sure she didn't below to anyone; we found out we weren't the only ones feeding her but no one claimed her.

I made an appointment at the Humane Society to get her checked out. On the appointed day, we set about trying to get her into the cat carrier. She is a strong and single minded beastie. I called the Humane Society and got another appointment. This time, J came armed with a heavy bath towel which he wrapped her in and then stuffed her into the carrier. She was not pleased but didn't complain.

The vet said she weighed 6 lbs. but that she is not a kitten. She is at least a year old. Poor baby. She was so scrawny! She got some shots and some flea medicine and we took her home. I was not crazy about having her in the house until the flea medicine did its job so J took her for the night. The original plan was to give her to a friend who was looking for a cat but after a night of bonding, J really wanted to keep her. Since his house already has 4 cats, I agreed to keep her. We consider it joint custody. I named her Chloe.

I kept her shut in my bedroom for a few days so that we could gradually introduce her to Puddin', my long-haired cat, and Bingo, my very large dog. Chloe's life on the street made her immediately defensive. She hissed and growled at everyone. And complain! My is she talkative! J says she is not complaining, that's just the way she talks but I know bitching when I hear it.

At her follow-up vet visit, she weighed 7.5 lbs. She gained 1.5 lbs in 3 weeks! She got the rest of her shots and we set up the appointment to get her spayed.

Now, after a month, she has full run of the house. She loves the basement; she loves the little rug-covered-stool-with-a-hole-in-it-cat-house; she prefers dry cat food; she loves to sit a window, any window, and will climb behind any blinds. She is small enough to fit on the narrow window sills. But she never goes near Puddin's fleece covered window seat. She knows sacred territory when she sees it. Her living room perch is on the back of my wing-backed chair. She wrestles with the little feathered kitten toy and pops catnip flavored bubbles that I blow.

The balance of power in the house is still in question. Bingo wants to play with her but, like Puddin', she will have none of it. J swears he saw Puddin' and Chloe take turns chasing each other and I am inclined to believe him. She doesn't growl and hiss near as much as she first did. She is not cuddly. She doesn't like to be picked up and complains when you do but lets you get away with it.

And she wants to go outside. Boy, does she want to go outside. I took her out one day, supervised her play and took her back inside after a little while. The next day, J did the same. The day after that, she paced around the house all day saying, "Can I go out? Let me out! I wanna go out!" If she heard the door open she ran to see if she could get out. Then, as I was coming back in the house after saying goodbye to a visitor, she shot through the door. My inclination was "she knows where her food bowl is" and to let her ask to come back in but I knew that J would think otherwise. I called him and he sighed deeply and started looking for her. He eventually found her cornered by Skunky, our neighborhood bunny-killer-cat. Now, I shut her in my bedroom when I want to leave so that we don't have a repeat performance.

Friday, the day after tomorrow, is her surgery day. All the cats I've ever had were already fixed when I got them so I don't know what to expect. And will the surgery change her personality? I'll keep you posted.

Beyond Square One

I have been meditating every morning. I took Bingo for a walk every morning but today. I am starting to think about listening to music (maybe tonight when I get home from work) and I am thinking about playing the piano. I have gotten off of square one!

And I am enjoying cooking again! Right now, I am looking for the perfect apple crisp recipe--one that doesn't leave you with oatmeal stuck between your teeth--one like my grandmother used to make. There are six pounds of granny smith apples sitting in the kitchen waiting for the next experiment. As I write this, I realize that I need to use white sugar, not brown (yes, yes. I know white food is bad for you but that is what grandma used) and I need to leave the oatmeal out and not get too carried away with the butter. The apple part is a snap: peel, core and chop a bunch of apples until they fill up the pan, sprinkle on a little sugar (I think I'll use Splenda this time). The topping: flour, sugar, butter and maybe some cinnamon. I can hardly wait

We are supposed to eat from 7 to 13 servings of fruits and vegetables a day. I'm lucky if I get in 3. Maybe now that I am off of square one, I can get myself interested in vegetables again. Tomorrow, I'm making celery khoresh. Maybe I'll dig out that cauliflower tonight and scrape off the brown spots, steam it and eat it. It is very good to be off square one.

J and I went to hear the Flying Mules Saturday night at the Tap Room. I had forgotten how good they are. Thursday, we are going to Joe's Cafe to see them again. John said he would pay my cover if I brought a camera and took pictures for their web site. Mike is bringing the wine. More on this later, for sure!

Committing to something

About 5 years ago, I found a meditation teacher for myself and embarked upon the path of mindfulness mediation. Then I stopped. It is time to start it again. It is one of those things that you know you need but it is so hard to start. Like exercise. It is, sort of, exercise turned inside out. Practiced non-movement. So if getting started exercising (focused movement) is hard to do and meditating (focused non-movement) is hard to do, what are we left with?

I am dropping out of a music theory class. For a lot of reasons but one is that I don't think it is bringing me any closer to the music. You can analyze a Bach cantata and never listen to it. What's up with that? I once took a volunteer position cataloging an astronomy library somehow subconsciously thinking it would bring me closer to the stars. I needed to just go outside and look. But then that became hard to get started. I got some good binoculars but I live in the city so you can't see much and I'm afraid to go somewhere isolated by myself (and so on, with a variety of excuses). So, for some reason, it is hard to turn on the stereo and listen to the music I want to get close to. It is easier to sit in a chair and watch mindless TV or read science fiction/fantasy books than it is to focus on real life. I don't have to read a book about Bach or about meditation or about exercising. If I really want those things I should just do it. I am fully prepared. Just commit.

The sun came out. I took a lot of pictures. Now I am printing them. It takes a lot of time. Who knew? Still, it is very satisfying. All my life, it seems that I have been involved in "have to do" things. This is like stopping and smelling the roses. A friend asked me if it felt good to find I have some creativity. There are a few pictures that I have taken that I really like. The ratio of good to not good is low. My instructor said that if one in ten is good, I'm on track as a beginning photographer.

My "theme" for my final project is the Loop in University City. Looking at my pictures, I see that I am an optimist, perhaps a bit of the pollyanna. I have a friend who would take pictures of all the young'uns in edgy clothes with lots of piercings and tatoos. I see kids and families, dogs and musicians, folks standing around talking to each other. I see the world as a benevolent place with room for everyone.

Of course, I am shooting on sunny days and, being solar powered myself, for sure the world is a benevolent place when it is sunny.